Dark humor can be an emotional antidote to depressing situations. So, here’s some dark humor about the Omnibus spending bill that was recently passed by Congress.
Bear in mind that the Federal Government is already $31 trillion in debt, and this new spending bill will add even more to that debt. This sobering reality should have limited the scope of the new spending to prudent projects that are fundamental to our national purpose.
Ha! The joke is on We the Proles! The bill contains 4,155 pages scribbled out by drunken legislators splurging on pet projects, special interest carveouts, and arcane expenditures that have no rational connection to compelling American interests. 4,155 pages is almost four times longer than the Bible. It is also 4,155 pages longer than the official federal budget, because there is no federal budget.
To my knowledge, there is only one congressperson (Dan Bishop of NC) who read the entire Omnibus bill — one person out of the 535 senators and representatives whose sole mission in life is either to faithfully represent us proles or to line their own greedy pockets (the reader is given pause here to choose the correct answer).
These faithful guardians of their own pockets passed the Omnibus bill with the support of 18 Republican Senators who either have not read the Republican Party platform or who do not care a whit about their constituents (or both). And Biden is going to sign the bill with a crayon in his hand and Pelosi and Schumer moving his arm.
This bill is further evidence that the Elites who constitute the Washington establishment intend to get richer and more powerful while us proles get poorer and weaker. To draw any other conclusion from this monstrosity is to believe the fiction of their Kabuki Theater.
Since they are spending dollars like it is Monopoly money (which is not exactly true, because monopoly money really exists), let’s draw a comparison. Imagine, if you will, the $1.7 trillion in Omnibus spending converted to $100 Monopoly bills, with each one laid end to end in a straight line. This line of Monopoly money would stretch 1,062,500 miles, which would take it to the moon and back – twice.
If you could pay your taxes in Monopoly money, this wouldn’t be such a concern. But alas, the IRS, with their 87,000 new agents, will make you pay with the real money that you earned with real work.
The Omnibus bill was rushed through to prevent a government shutdown on Christmas Eve, but most people I’ve informally surveyed said that the best Christmas present they could imagine would be for the government to shut down. Alas, the Grinches in Washington signed the bill anyway, because they want everything in Whoville that they can get their green grubby hands on, including little Cindy Lou Who’s entire future. (Perhaps I should have given little Cindy a spoiler alert before I published this, because she probably doesn’t know there are loathsome villains lurking outside quaint Whoville who have already sentenced her to lifelong debt even though she is only seven years old).
The bill authorizes many delightful handouts to us proles from the Federal Gingerbread House, but it’s a trick! The Wicked Witch inside the House is teasing us with deadly confections! Here’s how the Federal Gingerbread House works. The Wicked Witch brews money from an imaginary cauldron, skims billions off the top for “administration”, distributes about 20% of the remainder to the proles for “relief”, and then earmarks the bulk of the noxious brew for her fellow Wiccans and the special interest groups who fund the Wiccan political campaigns.
The resulting inflation from this cruel charade makes the relief payments to the proles a cruel jest, because everything the proles own is now worth a lot less. As a harsh example, the $5000 of covid relief that many people received was eaten up entirely (and then some) by the inflation from the printed monopoly money that funded the relief. It would be faster and easier to just dump the contents of your wallets into the garbage disposal.
It’s not just the humble proles who are receiving gingerbread confections. The Department of Defense is getting a 10% raise, which is higher than the rate of inflation, so they must be anticipating the rate of wars to go up. Russia, perhaps? This would not be so bothersome if we could expect the DoD to reliably defend American territory, but the ongoing invasion across our southern border seems to contradict that. What territory is the DoD defending, if not America?
It turns out the DoD is busy defending the Ukraine. Given President Zelensky’s recent sweatshirt-wearing tour de farce in our nation’s capital and the $150 billion in aid we’ve given to his country so far, I must assume that the Ukraine is about to become our 51st state. This development is really upsetting Puerto Rico, a state that thought it was next in line for statehood, only to find out that it are getting less than half the Federal aid that the Ukraine is getting, and far less attention from our politicians. Their only hope for statehood at this point is an invasion by Russia, but Russia is only invading European democracies. Or so we’re told.
Speaking of the southern border, the Border Patrol is getting a raise! Unfortunately, the wording of the Omnibus bill specifically forbids the additional funds from being used for protecting the border in any way. Instead, the funds must be used for additional technology to process illegal border crossers more efficiently into unprepared American cities. It apparently hasn’t occurred to our leaders that the most efficient way to process illegal border crossers is to not let them into our country at all. But I suppose that depends on what the objectives of our leaders ultimately are. One thing we know for certain is that their objectives include making sure that not even one of these border crossers ends up in Martha’s Vineyard. We also know that the objectives include securing the borders of Jordan, Lebanon, Egypt, Tunisia, and Oman, because over $400 million was set aside for that.
More good news about the southern border! The Federales are letting Title 42 expire. Title 42 was intended to minimize immigration during the Covid crisis. This means that the Feds are declaring the covid crisis over! Except they’re not, because they are planning to forgive student loans because the covid crisis is still raging!
So, is the covid crisis over or not? Only the Red Queen knows for sure, and if you dare challenge her, it’s off with your head! The covid confusion is not unusual because the Feds never really knew what was going on with the pandemic. They just lied about it month after month, and then stuffed their own ever-evolving misinformation down the Ministry of Truth’s Memory Hole. But the drug companies sold $200 billion worth of snake oil (some of it at gunpoint), and what’s good for Big Pharma is good for the Wiccans.
Getting back to the Ukraine, one of America’s missions used to be making the world safe for democracy. In the case of Ukraine, that mission has been expanded to make the world safe for xenophobic, anti-Christian, totalitarian despots who were formerly comedians, which might be redundant. We’ve given the Ukraine more money than Russia spends on its entire military budget, but strangely Russia still occupies Ukrainian territory. Perhaps we would understand this anomaly better if our spy agencies were spying on Ukrainians rather than fellow Americans. We have no idea what the Ukraine is doing with our money, except for the fancy villas the Ukrainian leaders bought in Switzerland and their strange investments in a now-defunct company called FTX. Those FTX investments seem to have made their way full circle as campaign contributions to the Wiccans. Oh, and I almost forgot about the kickbacks from the Ukrainian company Burisma to Biden, Inc.
What else should the Omnibus bill fund when inflation is roaring, the border is undefended, crime is on the rise, and the government is broke? The answer is obvious! It should fund the Michelle Obama Trail in Georgia, even though the vast wealth she and her husband accumulated from their stint in the White House could pay for the trail many times over. It should also fund a Universal Hip Hop Museum in the Bronx! Yes, that’s the solution to our problems during these difficult times! Or it should provide over $500 million for “family planning” in areas where population growth threatens endangered species. Apparently the 60,000,000 abortions already performed in America are not enough to save the reticulated aardvark.
I would write about more slush in the Omnibus slush fund, but I’ve taken careful note that other provisions of the bill included an additional $2.6 billion for the Justice (sic) Department, $11.3 billion for the FBI, and $123 million for the Capitol Police to hunt and prosecute domestic terrorists. You know who those loathsome terrorists are – those rebellious folks who protest at abortion clinics, demand accountability from their school boards, use archaic pronouns, insist on election integrity, speak “heresy” about forced medical experiments, share “dangerous misinformation” on social media, and fear that their government has grown far too powerful. I’m aware that Big Brother is watching me. Ze/Zim is watching you too. And their jackbooted thugs are itching to prove that the Elites are the Master Race. “Shut up and obey!” is their command. The only answer they will accept from us is, “Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!”
Many Americans will swallow the distasteful swill being dispensed by the Elites, and even clamor for more, if only because their less-than-charming wind-up moppet who is their Ministry of Truth’s spokesperson will say something so erudite that it will require an army of interpreters to decipher the meaning of her words. Unfortunately, this deciphering will merely reveal that the moppet’s gibberish meant nothing at all, at least at our side of the Looking Glass. Beware: If you try to triangulate the omni-lingual moppet’s pronouncements with any real data points, your head will explode in frustration.
The final hilarity of the Omnibus bill will be the Republicans blaming the abomination on the Democrats. The Republicans had the opportunity to stop this bill – it required “yes” 60 votes in the Senate, and there are only 50 Democrats (if you count Bernie Sanders, the Socialist who is rumored to be older than Karl Marx himself). To stop this madness, the Republicans simply had to insist on a 30-day continuing resolution until the new Republican-controlled House is seated in January. But no, they got weak at the knees, as they always do, because they are part of the charade too — they wish to be counted among the Master Race of Elites. Thus, they tossed their osteoporotic spines onto the bonfire of their own vanities.
Thus goes the charade that is the Kabuki Theater in Washington. The Democrats say the Republicans are fascists. The Republicans say the Democrats are fascists. We proles need to consider the possibility that both factions are right, because both factions are part of the Master Race headquartered in in the Wiccan Capital.
The collusion of the Wiccan fascists will be become more apparent when the ashes from the incinerated spines of the Republicans settle on our hats and overcoats like a macabre grey snowstorm spawned somewhere near Treblinka. Well, that’s not quite right – yet. I must have gotten my ominous parallels confused.
This isn’t Germany circa 1944. It is only Germany circa 1928.